With tenderness, carefully — to yourself

Care, caring, carefulness are one-root words that I associate with a gentle attitude, wisdom, and tenderness towards the self. Unfortunately, nowadays such an attitude is depreciated by many of us. Why do we show self-aggression instead of tenderness to ourselves? Exhaustion of our own body - is it about development and growth? Let's try to figure it out.

About a punishment for the sake of salvation

    I have studied the problem of eating disorders (ED) for quite a long time. Since it is a burning question, many articles on this topic have become highly visible. One of the difficult moments in my work is seeing clients’ manifestation of excessive violence towards themselves and their bodies. This is ruthlessness and even brutality on the edge of self-destruction. For example, using sharp objects to cut oneself skin; intentional self-injury; making tattoos, as painful attacks on the body; or exhaustion with diets and excessive exercises, as experiments with the body. Such activity helps to somehow cope with complex feelings, emotional problems, while clients with ED and, for example, BPD, do not know other ways.

Recently, another aspect of self-aggression was raised in one of the comments by people who do not have mental disorders. This is a popular opinion that self-aggression is justified, meaning that you can't live fully without it! When I ask to clarify the position, what exactly means "there will be nothing without it," it turns out that there will be no development, achievements, or success. That it is supposedly impossible to live fully and develop your potential without discipline and rules, without violence against yourself ... Looks like some lazy creature needs to be punished for its own good, for the sake of salvation…?

I feel a strong objection towards the dyad "discipline" and "self-aggression". Indeed, a huge group of people thinks the same. The so-called diet culture works in a similar way. It assumes that you cannot trust your needs, because this trust will lead to chaos, to an increase in body weight up to almost 200 kg.

That’s not true. However, the fear of chaos and weight gain is a separate topic related to food intuition skills. But what does a careful and gentle attitude towards yourself really mean, at least in everyday life?

Restrictions as a result of exhaustion

     In fact, there is a certain substitution of concepts. Rules and discipline are perceived by many people as violence, not as an act of care to make their lives easier. While the rules and discipline are the actual care and gentle treatment of ourselves.

There is the term "Decision fatigue" (Pignatiello, G. A., Martin, R. J., & Hickman Jr, R. L., 2020) in the scientific world. This is a natural phenomenon for the brain, provoking the process of taking reckless decisions or not taking them at all. The phenomenon is well studied, there are many publications on this topic (e.g. Persson, E., Barrafrem, K., Meunier, A., & Tinghög, G. (2019), and others.

We all have a certain amount of resources for making decisions, which is depleted by the end of the day. For example, decisions on how to get somewhere and what to wear, where to dine, and what to say. Each of us makes dozens of micro-decisions every day. It seems that such a choice is a trifle, but in fact, it is a constant work of the brain, involving complex mechanisms of interconnections.

It turns out like in a joke:

- You have such a wonderful job! To sort oranges. Why are you so nervous?

- Because you endlessly need to make decisions in which box to put them.

     There is some truth in this, isn't it? Same thing in the everyday life. We should apply the right rules for taking care of ourselves to keep the resource for decision-making on a sufficient level, without the risk of depletion.

Taking care again and again

     So, a careful and gentle attitude towards oneself is ... lo and behold...a pre-arranged work schedule, a planned beforehand wardrobe, and a menu without any violence and self-aggression, so that we will have enough decision-taking energy for a long time. A gentle and caring attitude toward oneself consists of many important and valuable beads. Here they are:

1. Systematically feeding yourself with varied and nutrient-dense food. This is a diet that consists of proteins, fats, complex carbohydrates, and fiber. Do not forget about fun food - food for joy, which does not have to be healthy, but pleases you. Only full and regular nutrition allows you to work with high efficiency and to be active.
2. Healthy sleep. You need to get enough sleep for active wakefulness. There is a tendency to get up an hour earlier to exercise, drink some tea in silence ... It will be great only if you go to bed this hour earlier. Let me remind you that 80 minutes of lack of sleep per day increases the daily calorie intake by about 550 kcal (Calvin, A. D. et al, 2013). This provokes additional pounds gaining in some time. Sleep will be healthy in a ventilated, cool, dark room, in a state of rest, on a comfortable mattress.
3. If you smoke, I suggest an experiment. Every time before you go out for a smoke break, ask yourself a question "Do I really want to smoke now?". "Do I want to feel the taste of a cigarette?". Perhaps at this moment, you need a break from work, or you just want to join the company of smokers? Or, on the contrary, you need to be alone, and it is easier to do this with a cigarette - others will not have the impression that you are standing doing nothing. If the answer to the question is YES, I just want to smoke, then smoke:) And if NO and it looks like the need is different, think about how you can satisfy it in another way, without cheating yourself. Maybe you can take a walk, or chat, or drink some water ...
4. Time to think. In making important decisions, it is necessary to have time for thinking, for discussions with authoritative people, if necessary. And let the weighing of all "against" and "for" take place during the day to calmly fall asleep in the evening. It is always better to make a decision with a fresh mind, you can think better after a night's sleep.
5.  A good rest. Sleep is good, but you should take a vacation several times a year. Rest, as you really want it, and not like others want you to relax. Rest when you feel a lack of energy or before an upcoming difficult project.

     These seemingly simple beads of care will allow us to keep our energy longer and have a more joyful time. Reducing the number of solutions and a plan of actions are especially important to anxious and vulnerable people as a part of taking care of themselves.

Remember that you are the only one you have - a beloved, good enough, the only one who deserves care and tenderness. This skill must be developed through repetition, by conscious effort. Deliberately practiced skills will bring the desired effect! Try it for yourself!

© Maryna Fatieieva, 2020.